It was kind of sexy ... but it was kind of creepy

death

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:09:54 GMT

One of my work friends and one of my butch-femme friends has died. I have bronchitis. We're taking care of 2 dogs for friend of mine - one is an adorable tiny chihuahua who insists on sleeping on pillow by my desk and snores louder than any great dane ever could. Such is life.

wow.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 18:28:21 GMT

J& I are working so hard to stay together. The other day while we were having sex, and he said that I was his, I took its meaning in a more global way. Because he's sticking with me while working through the sludge of relationship issues - and he never pulls away (at least not for more than a short while while he gets defensive) - and we're developing amazing intimacy - I am his. Perhaps it's not about structure, etc - but more about something that grows organically. He finally started reading a D/s book I love and it's definately getting him randy and interested. In the icky relationship self-discovery department, I'm also seeing the ways that I'm reactive and have acted again and again to push my partners away just when I need them most - sometimes hastening the end of the relationship. On his side, he's also agreed to look into getting another psych eval to get help to get through his fears. Back on the D/s tip - I like the idea of the ownership being real and organic. Perhaps I need to talk to him about this? Also, there are still too many times when he acts ways that I don't respect. So there's the patience part of this - giving us time to both change more. Then the other voice says - or you're wasting your life not getting the sex and play you want. Sometimes I wonder if I should bring up playing with other people more. Which brings me to another point - I wish I felt like I had more of place to fit into the community. same old. I'm queer with a trans guy. Don't fit into the "pan-sexual" (read straight) community, or the lesbian community, or the NY Master-slave community. Only really the national D/s community - where it really does seem orientation doesn't matter. Don't live on a plane, though :-(

On an extremely bright note - as part of my quest to become saner, I recently added Wellbutrin and got heart palpations so bad I couldn't exercise, which did not go away right away when I got off the meds. the other day, I did my old route and was A-OK. what a frakin relief.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:43:33 GMT

Ways d took care of me

Woke up with me early to get me to the plane

Made me coffee and breakfast to go

Is picking me up from the train

Oh yeah, drove me to the train this morning

Listened to me whine about my meeting

Checked to make sure i'd packed my laptop, meds, meeting prep, itinerary, ipod and phone

Remembered to take me out of role this morning even though it was practically dawn and we had a train to catch

Made me do the dishes 2 nights ago even though i whined.

Didn't mind that i took care of family business while washing them, even though it took longer.

Didn't mind that i volunteered to pick up

List #2

Fri, 29 May 2009 17:36:12 GMT

Times when he knew more than me:

Knew how to print out the google map with the route on it with a 2nd zoom without the word directions again.

I'm an ungrateful bitch

Fri, 29 May 2009 16:26:22 GMT

My latest assignment from our couple's coach is to write down ways my bf/daddy has taken care of me. What better place than here?

Yesterday when I was upset and I started to scream, he told me I wasn't supposed to do that and to take a moment.
Later when I was very frustrated by our communication he took out a pad and wrote down everything I said. It was very clarifying and I became filled with admiration.
Last night, when I was driving home very late, he took his cellphone outside with him to walk the dog in case I got lost and needed help getting home.
He stayed up late for the same reason.
He helped me decide not to smoke a cigarette out of familial stress (I smoke occasionally but want to keep it occasionally).
He made me a bowl of ice cream and watched a sitcom with me to help me destress.
He let me wash up first so I could get to bed first (he almost always does that)
He petted me this morning.
He let me have the 3rd cup of coffee this morning (he more often needs the extra cup we make but this morning I did)
He made breakfast and coffee this morning so I could work. (he usually does this, unless he sleeps in late)

wow. that's a lot.

yesterday - getting to know the new neighborhood

Tue, 26 May 2009 17:32:06 GMT

The bad news is that our car died. Good news - it died in front of a repair shop. Better news - while walking home Ricky made 3 new doggie friends.

Kinda sexy but kinda creepy dildo give away

Sun, 24 May 2009 15:20:16 GMT

http://www.heyepiphora.com/2009/05/giveaway-win-two-bumpy-glass-dildos/

I guess i was tagged ....

Wed, 20 May 2009 04:33:46 GMT

because I was reading kaya's journal where she was posting this Meme:

Rules:
1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post
2. Share 7 facts about yourself in the post
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names & links to their blogs
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged

and at the end she wrote:

"I’m tagging:

1. You.
2. Yes you.
3. You! The one reading this right now.
4. And you over there in the corner!
5. Oh, yes, you guessed it. You!
6. You too.
7. No I don’t care if you’re shy or don’t have a blog. I’m tagging you anyway! Deal! "

So here goes:

1. I had a dream about a miscarriage a few months ago and I can't shake the feeling of loss. I wonder if it's about peri-menopause, which I think I'm in or if I perhaps should think more seriously about adopting a kid.

2. At 45, i may not have energy to take care of a kid.

3. I have no idea of what kind of d/s relationship I want. I don't know if I could do M/s (especially with Jason). But I've always been called to something deeper than just play in bed.

4. I just moved to a dead-end block, close to the beach, where dogs and kids can run around in the street. At night it feels like we're on a stay-cation.

5. I think my 9 yr ol niece will be into leather. When she was 3 or 4, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She said - a black skirt .... not the soft kind ..... the hard kind. My sister asked, "Leather?" She said, "Yeah!" Another time, she was playing a car driving video game and she kept bashing into the scenery yelling, "I like the pain!"

6. I still miss Battlestar Galactica.

7. I find reading about sex and most play kind of boring. i love reading about relationships.

Tagging:

kathryntact

Kitten

Merlin

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:29:00 GMT

I dreamed about my dead cat last night. In the dream, I had to put him to sleep but I wasn't doing it in the Vet's office. I had to do it myself - figure out how many pills to give him and when it was the right time to do it. Jason and I gave him a bunch of pills and then went to sleep, waiting for him to die. I remember thinking that Jason would have to look for his dead body because I couldn't bear to find it. He agreed. Then, when we went looking for him, he wasn't dead. I was afraid that it wasn't his time to die or that we didn't give him enough pills. And how would we know which one it is? Then I realized that of course i knew that it was his time to die. He looked terrible and I'd done all the right things medically to figure it out. Than I think he died.

I also realized that I'd had a similar dream before. I guess this is a cycle like the dreams I had when Michael died - a coming to terms cycle of dreams. I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that I had to put him to sleep.

I miss him.

A few nights ago, I dreamed I had lymphedema like my mother. And last night I dreamed about my mother's lymphedema.

Apparently, I'm dealing with my fears lately in my dreams.

Johari

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 07:33:49 GMT

Enter info: http://kevan.org/johari?name=NYFemmeGrrl

see chart:
http://kevan.org/johari?view=NYFemmeGrrl

Vampires in the movies

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:28:22 GMT

Vampire-Blood-Drinking is seeming less a metaphor for sex these days and more about facing the evil within us all. I just saw - Let The Right One In - a German vampire movie. The blood drinking was hardly sexual at all. It was graphic, dangerous, killed sympathetic characters and filled with remorse. Compare that to Near Dark (punkish Kathleen Bigelow movie from the 90s) & Anne Rice characters, where the victims are faceless (unless they too are turned into vampires) & the blood drinking act is portrayed in a way to make your pants pound. It's a difference between flirting with our dark side and grappling with the hard reality. I haven't seen Twilight so I don't know how that fits in. And I'm not sure how True Blood fits in either. True Blood is definately dealing with evil but vampires and people can both be equally good or evil. Along the same lines, there are suddenly many more holocaust fiction and documentaries out. In the western, white world, this is the most recent personification of evil. I guess this is about the U.S.'s perpertration of the Iraq war and torture. Also, the end of mother nature.

Our Dog

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:42:22 GMT

me and Ricky

Daddy & Ricky

Ricky

hateful, cranky moods

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:26:24 GMT

I love people who amusingly, yet honestly, share their cranky moods. Not only are they entertaining, they make me feel better about my own crankiness. It's especially hard when I'm irritable around the holidays.

mad

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:00:55 GMT

I feel so angry. I don't know why so angry at J. It's probably because he's the easiest person to get mad at. I want him to fix everything. and I get mad when he doesn't do the most obvious things. though they're definitely not obvious to him. It's hard when it's a microcosm of the larger issues - he is clueless about a lot of stuff. And it gets aggravated when I'm vulnerable, scared, angry and impatient. Like right now, I feel bad that he hasn't called yet. and it means to me that he's not really on board with trying to take are of me. I'm trying to get to a place where, instead of just getting angry, I politely ask for what I need. 2 problems with that - it's hard for me to remember when I'm upset and he's not always receptive and then I get ballistic..

Helo

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:29:51 GMT

Stand up guy. sexy. strong. what more could a grrl want?

merlin

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:25:11 GMT

I miss my cat. It totally sucks. I'm cranky. My bf says I have to stop yelling at him. It seems like I can't. I'm so irritable. I miss the damn cat. Did I say I'm irritable?

I'm really stunned that although the cat often irritated me, and he wasn't a lovey-dovey cat - in fact, I often felt like we were fellow travelers - sometimes mostly sharing space - that I miss him so much and feel like life is so messed up and that I feel dragged down.

Merlin

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 05:21:39 GMT

We had to put Merlin to sleep today. It was one of the scariest things I've seen. His face was his - though miserable - and as the doctor was giving him the relaxation drug, he eased - he eased out of pain. Then she gave him the drug that stopped his heart. and all of a sudden his face turned into a mask - like something you'd see in a movie - but it was Merle's face. That's what made me lose it. It scared me and I wanted to get away from it. So instead I cried. and I was wierdly numb. like i was crying from the shock of seeing him dead and I was almost watching myself thinking - this is what a person does when their cat dies ... but not in touch with my sadness - just some primal shock of seeing him dead. I loved him.

I asked some friends and family to write what they remember of him and I'll put it here:

Awww. L I’m so sorry about Merlin. He lived such a long joyous life. You did the right thing. You just know when its time. I know exactly what you’re going through. You were so helpful to me after I put Chloe down. They were both loves who brought lots of love and little catty things. You and Merlin are in my thoughts.

Hugs & Love, Jodi

oh lizzy, i am so, so sorry. you must be so heartbroken. that sweet cat was such a good and loving being. i am so sad........i am glad that you helped him go when it was too much pain.

what i loved most about merle was coming home with you when we both lived in brooklyn and he would climb up on the chair to greet and "hug" you. he was so obviously affectionate....in a way that most cats are not.

and of course, i will never forget the days he spent with me in rego park. as you remember, i thought i was going to somehow kill him because he would not come out and eat for days.....and finally, it was steve sabella, who got him to trust and come out and then he slept with steve every night....i was happy that he came out and ate......

and i loved how he was somehow able to handle navah when she was a little girl who would go after him.

i know that this is a backhanded compliment, but i always thought he was like a dog to me.....really a person's.....your best friend....so loving, ackknowledging and connected to people....especially you.

i hope you feel good about how long he has lived.....it is a tribute to how well you took care of him.....remember, how you would warm up "people food" for him...... :)

i am sorry lizzy.

i love you,

matthew

Thanks. He was my baby - yet so independent. It was heartbreaking to see how little he could do when he was such a proud cat. So putting him to sleep was definately the right thing to do. The couple of hours before and after were horrific but I'm better now. My friend Jennie prayed for him and then talked to me about it and Rivka called me twice from vacation. And Jason has gone through every second of the decision making. Jason was with Merlin how he is with the kids. He is rough and loving ... and although Merlin usually hated being handled that way (Jason swung him around, played with his paws and ears), he adored Jason. Merlin barely talked all week, but when Jason came over Sat nite, he sqeaked 5 times.

My memory from when I brought him home from work - under my jacket - head peeking up curious - until a noise scared him and he buried his head back into the safety of my winter jacket. How he played with everything including my pantyhose and roaches. How he always had to be top cat but allowed puppy Derek to harass the hell out of him - until he drew the line with a little scratched swat across his nose.

from my Daddy -

When I think of Merle I remember:

Him jumping *off* the terrace landing on the roof of the door to the next unit of the building. I would then at times see him outside, call Merle out and have him ignore me. I guess he didn't want his cat friends to know he knew me..

Jumping on the couch and walking onto my lap while I was working on my laptop.

Sitting next to us while we watched TV at night and dozing off.

Mushing his face and swinging his body to show that I loved to torture him ( and loved him)

Having him run after a string in the Union Square apt. and sliding on the floor while doing it.

Sleeping on the bed and waking to find Merle by my head again in Union Square.

Two words: Stinky Poop

Meowing incesssantly when we came home late and got up late.

Turning into Kung Fu Merle when one of Maria's dogs tried to get a little too close. Growling, tail straight into the air and fat, ready to throw it down.

Trying to get him to warm to the kids especially Asatta and him giving me a look of "Hell no, leave me alone in my closet, you bastard."

Leaking his paws after eating I know it's what all other cats do but I just liked watching him do it. I like cleanliness.

And of couse, seeing him relax and feeling comfortable after the Ting administered the sedative.

I love you Buddy. You were the best cat

I'm so sorry. It must be devastating. I think of Merlin as a constant presence, the way you made anywhere you lived your home. How sad.

Thinking of you ... all love,

Lizzie,

I am so so sorry....

From pet owner and lover to another....I am sorry for your loss.

I know how much Merlin meant to you...and how much Merlin will be missed.

I am really sorry....thinking of you.

Lauren

I have a few thoughts to share about Merlin.

Let’s face it, Merlin was a quirky cat. Quite lovable and yet not one to give love or trust for a mere nuzzle, or even a meal for that matter. Though he was known to hide in closets when family or friends showed up, Merlin somehow knew how to be selective in all the right ways. He came out for the grandparents. He cuddled Mom when she stayed at Lizzie’s on the UWS and swished between the legs of her troops of friends that came to visit. Grumpy and maybe a little judgmental, he also took to his grandfather, actually sitting next to Pop on the couch in 822 when he came to feed him. I remember Pop saying, ‘I actually like that cat. I don’t know why.’ Maybe something Merlin himself might have said about Pop.

When I met Merlin, I frankly wanted to pull him up by his collar and give him a firm little shake just to let him know that I was the sister, but he didn’t let me get close enough. Each time I visited Liz from out of town, he sat in a remote corner peering from behind a speaker or a chair. Or he just stayed in the closet until the last minutes of my visit when he would come out for a short hello. Sometime around the end of when Lizzie lived with Susan in Windsor Terrace, Merlin decided to be my friend. I think it’s because he knew that I knew that he was the HCIC (head cat in charge). He came and sniffed my ankles and my hand and let me pet him and even get a few brief snuggles in. This friendship lasted for years until I broke the trust and had Navah.

Navah was like the George Bush of Merlin’s world. She came on the scene, changed old laws, raucously threatened him and monopolized his kingdom with tail pulling and slaps. She was two and then three and then four and never really knowing better. Part of Lizzie’s job when babysitting Navah was protecting poor Merlin from his nemesis. When Lizzie traveled I often fed Merlin and spent time alone in the apartment with him. He would gobble his food and then sit next to me on the couch just listening to the environment now that a new being inhabited the silence. On one visit I brought Navah. Merlin came out to see me and when he saw Navah, he turned and ran back into Lizzie’s little bedroom. When he finally came out for his food, he walked past me in the hallway and on the way looked sternly up at me as if to say, “What the hell did you make her for?”

The most basic truth about Merlin for me is that when I lived far away and I thought about Lizzie living alone or even with a partner, I always thought about the kitty keeping my sister company. He was a good companion because he was a true companion. A complex little spirit not easily bought or sold, and in the end totally devoted to his master (no SM pun intended there sister). We will always love and remember Merlin.

P.S., a quick note about faith:

Right after Merlin’s death, Lizzie turned in some recently renewed meds for the cat in the hopes that they could be passed along to someone else who needed them. When Lizzie turned these meds in, an employee (and Merlin’s cat sitter) noted, “I was wondering why you had renewed these.” An off-the-cuff comment that let Lizzie know the employee hadn’t thought Merlin was long for the world.

Lizzie of course had renewed them. She and Jason had faith in Merlin’s life and in the idea that they would know when he was no longer really Merlin, but just a walking sick body. They knew him intimately enough to know when that spirit was dying down. Lizzie and Jason both had faith in the entire lifecycle – in letting Merlin live and in letting him die. I am amazed at that kind of grace.

I encourage you all to share your memories and stories about Merlin with Lizzie and Jason. Sometimes people forget how hard it is to lose a pet.

just got your messages ~
awoke this a.m. thinking about merl ~
it's good weather for a sky journey
and i imagine him flying effortlessly ~
that's his reward for having so much
earth presence ~
some easily mistook that being for a cat
but he was so much more and continues
merlie
merlie
i'm missing you ~
i hope you and jason are well ~ you're
very lucky to have loved such a wonderful
being ~ be well

Liz

I am so so sorry, I know how hard it is to say good bye to a feline friends who has been a long time loyal companion.

I will think about the story – but I will always remember how magical Merlin looked with his shiny black fur and his bright eyes. He fit his name to a T.

Feel free to call

Love

Joan

Merlin

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 14:13:02 GMT

I wish Merle was a cylon.

Merlin

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 04:41:28 GMT

I'm feeling better. J and I spoke Sat night at dinner and he said that he was definitely scared when he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be serious about D/s. He told me that he wants to take me to those places where I'm centered and free and he wants to explore the darker stuff to help me get there. The dinner was really nice too - on the water, lobster, vodka tonics, long island cover band ... lol

Sunday was his b'day. I had waited months to give him his present - Deluxe Yankees tickets - which he loved. I went out of my way to make it a really nice day and he said it was his best b'day. It was good that I was feeling better emotionally so I could be present for him.

Now, it's just waiting to see what he works out with the D/s coach and to see how it feels. Meanwhile, we're living the rest of our relationship ... which is nice ... but not perfect ... and it's hard for me to stay centered. (however, it's hard for me to stay centered when I'm alone.)

What is looming larger for me is that my cat is sick. I've had him for nearly 20 yrs and he's dying. I can't figure out whether it's time to put him to sleep. He seems miserable. But he still has moments of enjoying life. Today he went for a short walk on the terrace and he still likes to eat the gravy out of the cat food (though he's not eating much more). I'm worried that the tension of not knowing what to do with his life is making me want to put him to sleep sooner. And I also worry that I'm letting him live while he's unhappy. Though when somebody I was close to was dying - when everybody thought it was time for him to go - including himself - he lived another 2 weeks, without food, on morphine - and I could see that he was still going through some kind of spiritual process - and he left when he was ready. Perhaps that's what I should be doing for Merlin. Maybe I can stop all of the intervention that he doesn't like - but let him die at his own pace - not put him to sleep - unless he's in pain. What scares me is that I'm letting him live in indignity. He was a very proud cat. But if I stop subcutaneous fluids and not introduce any more meds than he's on, perhaps that is dying with dignity. I want to give him respect and love.

ocean

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:26:27 GMT

well, i got to the beach :-)

I'm listened to some crazy podiobook about clones ... and a bit of Amy Ray's new CD ... while watching the waves. I swam, too, of course. I think I'll start going at night. Can't swim (cops drive around and yell at you) but I love to dip my feet in the ocean and look at the moon. I'll try to touch base at the beach most days.

Had another hard conversation with the boyfriend\daddy. After therapy, I was even more freakin scared about the way he shut down yesterday. He started reassuring me but I didn't feel reassured. Then he ended up telling me that he wasn't that interested in controlling me. And I was like - well - we have a problem. We kinda went round and round like that - me trying to get more details and understanding of what he meant and he finally said that he think he freaked out and shut down again after reading more details of the incarceration. It scared him that I was into that. We both feel like our plan - of starting all over again with him talking to the coach and us building up a D/s relationship - is not worth it if there is something fundamentally in him that can't deal. He always backs up when he gets scared. There is something in him that scares badly when my deep needs come out. especially the deep dark needs.

He's supposed to think about this and talk about this to his shrink and with the coach next week.

It's so hard for me to wait. But right this second .... I am kinda chillin' ;-)

I went on FetLife last night for the second time. Trying to build a little community. The kinky geeks group cheered me up. Some of them are speaking a language I don't understand - i think it's about virtual realities. If I was going to join an alternate reality, I'd want it to be kinky ;-) I was thinking of trying to organize a little kinky group out here. Maybe do some good works. Maybe have a submissive support group. ????

my incarceration?

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 00:22:32 GMT

Since about a year ago when I stopped writing, my Daddy and I started being in a more serious D/s relationship again … and have now taken a break. But we have a plan. We have been doing sessions with a D/s coach and now my Daddy is going to start talking to her alone. I suggested this to break up a bad dynamic. We were discussing the structure of our D/s relationship, which included what my Daddy was going to enforce - and then I'd judge him on how he was enforcing it. Obvious problem. So during our D/s break, he's going to work with the coach to discover his needs, come up with a structure and then we’ll start fresh, with him communicating his desires to me. I'll be still talking to her 1/month - but alone. (That's a little scary.)

Meanwhile, I'm avidly reading dk_leathers 's incarceration of luisa . At first, I thought I had no interest in doing anything like this - especially the part of being forced to confront myself. However, as I followed their journey, the self-confrontation began to appeal. I love that DK is actually helping Luisa confront herself. That amount of care appeals. DK's strength appeals

So I tell my Daddy about it and at one point ask what he thinks. He says that now that I'm interested in doing something like this, he's worried - because he's not - and what would I think. I wanted to scream. First, his reaction is to decide he wants no part of something I want. His second reaction is to worry about how I'll react! I don’t want him to shut down his exploration of my desires before he even starts exploring! I feel scared of committing to somebody who is so scared of my desires. So I told him. I said that if he is going to commit to me, he has to be part of meeting my desires. And that it doesn’t all have to be on him. It can include another person. And that I care what he wants - he doesn't have to shut me out of his process - or jump to a protective posture. And he got it all.

But I was still scared. Terrified of committing to somebody who is so scared of my deep, dark desires. Cause it feels like once that happens, I'm trapped.

But now that I'm writing this I'm less scared. He's not the only guy in the world who is scared of his partner's needs. I don't have to freak the first time I feel that from him – especially if he's willing to work it through. We have ricocheting, pinging fears!

Fuck or Pass Game

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 23:44:12 GMT

So I've seen this at least 3 times in my friend's journals so I decided to post it as a way to start journaling again. I was so tired of seeing my last depressing entry.

Fuck or Pass Game

There is at least one person on your friends list who wants to fuck the hell out of you.

So let's play the Fuck or Pass game.

The rules are simple.

If you want to fuck the person who posts this, send him or her a reply saying, "I'd Fuck you."

But in exchange, you have to post this in your journal...

And marvel at the replies

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 10:33:40 GMT

I'm feeling depressed about losing the kind of Daddy that I wanted. I must leave space for transition. He came over for the first time since we made the change tonight. I was feeling tense and blocked out most interaction with TV, dinner, going to sleep. Felt removed from him, then nervous about what our relationship would feel like with out D/s and a little empty. Made myself not act out. In the past, I used my frustration with the D/s as a reason to act out. Now I'm not looking for D/s in our relationship so I need to calm myself and ask for what else I really want. Which actually may be able to include certain aspects of D/s. We actually used D/s to fix some relationship problems. I hope we're past a point where we needed that. I think we may be.

Come to the Fat Girl Flea in NYC

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 01:34:29 GMT

http://fatgirlfleamarket.com/

Hooray

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 13:51:35 GMT

So, yes, this change is definately freeing up my Daddy's energy. He was very excited about it on the phone last night.

We had lunch yesterday and I had a feeling that I knew what he was trying to get at and so described it. It seems similar to the butch\femme model of a Butch Daddy. We kind of have traditional gender roles as far as the ways we nuture and care for each other. He likes when I get "little" and he's protective of me. He likes helping me figure out solutions to problems. He cares about me having a satisfying life path . He still tries to contain me when I get crabby and lose my temper. We play in bed. But the things we do for each other are voluntary - not required. And there's no discipline. He doesn't need to keep track of stuff or always know what to do.

So he was like - Yes, Yes!!! That's excatly it. so there IS a model for what I want!!!! <grin>

I think that's a pretty good deal too. We're also talking about incorporating a non sexual owner for me for D/s.