One of my work friends and one of my butch-femme friends has died. I have bronchitis. We're taking care of 2 dogs for friend of mine - one is an adorable tiny chihuahua who insists on sleeping on pillow by my desk and snores louder than any great dane ever could. Such is life.

J& I are working so hard to stay together. The other day while we were having sex, and he said that I was his, I took its meaning in a more global way. Because he's sticking with me while working through the sludge of relationship issues - and he never pulls away (at least not for more than a short while while he gets defensive) - and we're developing amazing intimacy - I am his. Perhaps it's not about structure, etc - but more about something that grows organically. He finally started reading a D/s book I love and it's definately getting him randy and interested. In the icky relationship self-discovery department, I'm also seeing the ways that I'm reactive and have acted again and again to push my partners away just when I need them most - sometimes hastening the end of the relationship. On his side, he's also agreed to look into getting another psych eval to get help to get through his fears. Back on the D/s tip - I like the idea of the ownership being real and organic. Perhaps I need to talk to him about this? Also, there are still too many times when he acts ways that I don't respect. So there's the patience part of this - giving us time to both change more. Then the other voice says - or you're wasting your life not getting the sex and play you want. Sometimes I wonder if I should bring up playing with other people more. Which brings me to another point - I wish I felt like I had more of place to fit into the community. same old. I'm queer with a trans guy. Don't fit into the "pan-sexual" (read straight) community, or the lesbian community, or the NY Master-slave community. Only really the national D/s community - where it really does seem orientation doesn't matter. Don't live on a plane, though :-(

On an extremely bright note - as part of my quest to become saner, I recently added Wellbutrin and got heart palpations so bad I couldn't exercise, which did not go away right away when I got off the meds. the other day, I did my old route and was A-OK. what a frakin relief.

Ways d took care of me

Woke up with me early to get me to the plane

Made me coffee and breakfast to go

Is picking me up from the train

Oh yeah, drove me to the train this morning

Listened to me whine about my meeting

Checked to make sure i'd packed my laptop, meds, meeting prep, itinerary, ipod and phone

Remembered to take me out of role this morning even though it was practically dawn and we had a train to catch

Made me do the dishes 2 nights ago even though i whined.

Didn't mind that i took care of family business while washing them, even though it took longer.

Didn't mind that i volunteered to pick up

Times when he knew more than me:

Knew how to print out the google map with the route on it with a 2nd zoom without the word directions again.

My latest assignment from our couple's coach is to write down ways my bf/daddy has taken care of me.  What better place than here?

1. Yesterday when I was upset and I started to scream, he told me I wasn't supposed to do that and to take a moment. 
2. Later when I was very frustrated by our communication he took out a pad and wrote down everything I said.  It was very clarifying and I became filled with admiration.
3. Last night, when I was driving home very late, he took his cellphone outside with him to walk the dog in case I got lost and needed help getting home.
4. He stayed up late for the same reason.
5. He helped me decide not to smoke a cigarette out of familial stress (I smoke occasionally but want to keep it occasionally).
6. He made me a bowl of ice cream and watched a sitcom with me to help me destress.
7. He let me wash up first so I could get to bed first (he almost always does that)
8. He petted me this morning.
9. He let me have the 3rd cup of coffee this morning (he more often needs the extra cup we make but this morning I did)
10. He made breakfast and coffee this morning so I could work.  (he usually does this, unless he sleeps in late)

wow.  that's a lot.

The bad news is that our car died. Good news - it died in front of a repair shop. Better news - while walking home Ricky made 3 new doggie friends.

because I was reading kaya's journal  where she was posting this Meme:

Rules:
1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post
2. Share 7 facts about yourself in the post
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names & links to their blogs
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged

and at the end she wrote:

"I’m tagging:

1. You.
2. Yes you.
3. You! The one reading this right now.
4. And you over there in the corner!
5. Oh, yes, you guessed it. You!
6. You too.
7. No I don’t care if you’re shy or don’t have a blog. I’m tagging you anyway! Deal! "

So here goes:

1. I had a dream about a miscarriage a few months ago and I can't shake the feeling of loss.  I wonder if it's about peri-menopause, which I think I'm in or if I perhaps should think more seriously about adopting a kid. 

2. At 45, i may not have energy to take care of a kid. 

3.  I have no idea of what kind of d/s relationship I want.  I don't know if I could do M/s  (especially with Jason).  But I've always been called to something deeper than just play in bed.

4.  I just moved to a dead-end block, close to the beach, where dogs and kids can run around in the street.  At night it feels like we're on a stay-cation.

5.  I think my 9 yr ol niece will be into leather.  When she was 3 or 4, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.  She said - a black skirt .... not the soft kind ..... the hard kind. My sister asked, "Leather?"  She said, "Yeah!"   Another time, she was playing a car  driving video game and she kept bashing into the scenery yelling, "I like the pain!"

6.  I still miss Battlestar Galactica.

7.  I find reading about sex and most play kind of boring.  i love reading about relationships.

Tagging:

kathryntact

 bootpig

 dk_leathers

 boymeat

 alphawolf0713

 

Kitten  


 

 

I dreamed about my dead cat last night.  In the dream, I had to put him to sleep but I wasn't doing it in the Vet's office.  I had to do it myself -   figure out how many pills to give him and when it was the right time to do it.  Jason and I gave him a bunch of pills and then went to sleep, waiting for him to die.  I remember thinking that Jason would have to look for his dead body because I couldn't bear to find it.  He agreed.  Then, when we went looking for him, he wasn't dead.  I was afraid that it wasn't his time to die or that we didn't give him enough pills.  And how would we know which one it is?  Then I realized that of course i knew that it was his time to die.  He looked terrible and I'd done all the right things medically to figure it out.  Than I think he died.

I also realized that I'd had a similar dream before.  I guess this is a cycle like the dreams I had when Michael died -  a coming to terms cycle of dreams.  I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that I had to put him to sleep. 

I miss him.

A few nights ago, I dreamed I had lymphedema like my mother.  And last night I dreamed about my mother's lymphedema. 

Apparently, I'm dealing with my fears lately in my dreams.

Enter info:  http://kevan.org/johari?name=NYFemmeGrrl

see chart:
http://kevan.org/johari?view=NYFemmeGrrl